Sometimes it is okay to go backwards and make the same mistake. It is okay because even though it is the same mistake you are not the same person and your take on it will be different.
As long as you are willing to learn and you take something from it is okay to try again and again and to slip again and again.
Yes sometimes I also feel tired of trying and not getting where I want. Yes, sometimes I feel desperate.
I have done so much work on myself and still I am not quite where I want to be.
Yes sometimes I want to give up.
But then there is a bit of light and this voice that says: “You are okay. It is okay, you are getting closer. You are almost there. You are learning. It is coming. And what you are going to get is so much better than whatever you can even imagine. We are just making sure you are ready to receive it all!”
So let me tell you what happened to me. Or rather what I let happen to me.
This year I have made it a priority to really love myself more, to be my own priority and to find real love.
Romantic relationships have always been a challenge for me. Sometimes I really think I am just not meant to be in one. But I deeply long for this complicity, partnership, intimacy.
In the past years, I have also come to understand that self-love is the basis for all emotional healing. I truly believe that accepting and loving ourselves, for real I the key to heal anything. And of course, it will be the key to find a great relationship too.
I have been working on myself for 12 years now, using all kind of tools, working on all levels of my being. And yes for sure I love and accept myself more now than when I was 18 or 27 or even more than 6 months ago.
But no I am not quite there yet. Let's be honest for a minute. Who is? Maybe it takes a lifetime? I am still judging and criticizing myself. I am still not treating myself like I would treat my best friend.
Yet I do know and I do feel that love is the answer.
I also know that I want real love in my life. From somebody else. But if I can't love myself fully how can somebody else?
A few years back I became aware of this pattern I had to basically start dating any guy who likes me. Because I had such low-self esteem, being liked was WOW! And even if I didn't like a guy very much I would go out with him and pretend I did. Just to be loved…
Except of course that didn't work. Because I I wasn’t me and I wasn’t authentic.
So I worked hard on this pattern. And finally I thought I was done with doing this, after experiencing different kinds of relationships. It got better. It was still hard for other reasons but that’s not my point here.
I really thought I was finally over this pattern of dating somebody I was not really into, of lying to myself.
Then a guy showed up into my life. He was nice and generous, easy-going, and funny. I was feeling lonely. I was feeling sad. I wanted affection. I wanted to be touched. I wanted somebody in my life. I was happy he was into me. I was flattered. And I went back into my old pattern. I screwed up big time. I tried to make him aware that we didn't know each other that we should not rush things. And of course he has his part to play in this failed experiment but that is his path and here I am talking about mine.
So yes I did the same thing again. I made this mistake again.
But guess what! The difference is this time I was totally aware I was doing it while I was doing it. I tried to do little things here and there to change directions as we were moving forward. But it was not enough.
Because once again I was not able to speak up, to speak clearly enough, to speak loud enough. Once again I was not able to be me.
What I was able to do though, was to stop everything quickly enough before there was too much damage.
Yes I am hurt. I am sad. I feel like shit. I am disappointed.
But I choose to see the difference between who I am now and who I was when I was not aware of this pattern.
I choose to see I am not the same person. I also choose to feel compassion for myself, to be kind, to see that I have done my best.
I choose to accept my mistake, to learn from it and to try again, with this new lesson inside me.
And I choose to keep hope and faith.
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